Getting the cyst re-removed. Hopefully for the last time. (At least this time they're putting me under... but I fear this means they're going to cut deeper)...

I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could just decide things and be done with the thought processes. I wish.. I wish.
Hell, I wish these damn cars would stop zooming past my window. Why the hell are all these people up at 1:00 in the morning?

Anyway.

Life is the same. I have three jobs now: liquor store, theater, and bookstore. I'm looking into getting a job at a club, but it's not certain yet. I love the variety of jobs that I've had, it gives me such perspective. If I get a job at a club, and the money's good enough, I may quit working at the theater. I'm moving around from job to job, seeing what will best fit when I start school again. I want something that will give me good money for few hours.

Tonight was my first night at the theater. I wasn't expecting it and didn't have time to get new clothes, so I had to wear a very see-through shirt (which was okay since I have to wear a vest), and my high heeled boots, as they are my only black shoes.

My back hurts.

It was fun though. I get annoyed at myself, sometimes, thinking how I must look to these kids. I'm almost 23 now, but I act young. Having friends that I can rely on has made such a difference in my life that I don't feel like I have to act so reserved all the time. For better or worse, this seems to result in a sweet, peppy sort of me. And most of the time I like being sweet, but I also feel immature at times...

Jay has told his co-workers that they should refer to me as, "Jay's sister," and there is no reason for them to be looking in the general direction of my name tag. Which is hilarious since I am currently in possession of a very over large vest that looks like a tent (they are a little lacking in good vests, which I could almost suspect Jay to be at fault). I don't think anyone can tell whether or not I have a figure. Which is fine, since there's only one other person my age working there, and he's leaving soon. I'd rather not entertain highschool crushes.

I don't know why I always complain so much, I mean, I love people, I really do. They just frustrate me sometimes. I have to admit to not always being the patient, kind, sweet person that I want to be. I have to admit that there are people in my life that do me more harm than good, I have to admit that I don't always feel sorry for my mother, sometimes I truly think of her with disdain.

And then I feel bad. People are the way they are, you can influence them, you can help them, they can change (or you can elect not to, if you fear the attempt to make the change in another's life may change yours for the worse), but that doesn't mean that something or someone or even they themselves are to blame for their behavior. If someone is a sorry, stupid, miserable person... do you think they want to be that person? Is it essential to find something responsible for the way things are?

Better, I think to accept things as they are, to ponder what methods can change the current circumstances, and not to dwell on blaming. The only important thing is the change, not the blame. There is no purpose in it. No use.

On that note, I believe punishment to be a source of change. One should not punish with the idea of getting even, that is not the nature of the word. Punishment is a method of behavior modification and should be used as such. If a person has truly repented and needs no further encouragement to change, then there is no need for punishment.

So I am a little on the odd side, a little different for sure, and somehow I've been pinned as being terribly influenced by culture in a way that offends common culture. Isn't it ironic?

I just love how some people, no matter how often they are wrong, seem to think that they're wrong for the last time, and refuse to doubt their new enlightened state.

Oh, I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this. Of course I am. It's human nature, neh? For some reason, it doesn't make me less angry when I get the short end of the stick from this natural phenomenon.

Eh. Live and let live. If there are people out there that don't understand me, I can accept that. If there are people out there that don't understand me, but think they do? I shall accept that as well. After all, does it really matter who knows what? What do I need respect for? And from whom?

A patchwork of materials,
of colors, cloth, and threads
no single birth, single date, single being
but many births, brought on by many hands.

I am not an I, but a they
not a they, but a we
and we are you, and you are me
and yet you think that I am she
and you are you

How interesting, to think our colors
do not bleed
together
that your red and my yellow were never orange
and never will be

Do you hate the world so much
that you fear to be a part of it?
Do you hate them
hate me?

One day you will see it, see us
You and me.
You will see that we are one
and you will laugh at the folly
knowing what you know now
knowing what you knew then

So I'm either sickly or a hypochondriac (or maybe accident prone?). Is there any way to be a little of both? I think the one is kind of promoting the other at this point.

So scary lump ended up being some odd bacterial infection, that at the very least, the doctor had never seen before (I am only comforted by this because I blew it out of proportion for being so small a thing). I still haven't seen the doctor she recommended me to about it, and it still isn't gone, but my antibiotics for my ear infection nearly killed it, so it must be bacterial, right? Yes, nothing to worry about.

I got sick at work on Tuesday, the only day that my boss has ever had me working the front by myself (go figure). What would I have done if I had been at the bookstore? Scary.

Basically, I had just started my period. And, since the pain seems to be a little worse every time, I have gotten to the point where I can't function without pain killers on this special day of the month. Naturally, I took a pain killer.

Bad move. I keep waiting for it to kick in, (Why am I still in pain?) I even think about taking a second one, but dismiss the thought. A sales representative comes in to talk to Greg and pauses at my counter, "Hi Alicia, how are you?" right as I'm having a really bad hot flash. My body feels incredibly weak. "Ummm... I don't think I'm okay..." I intercom Greg to tell him the same thing, "Greg??? ...I'm. not. feeling... very well." I'm not even finished with the sentence before he comes out the double doors in the back, rushing to the front. Sarah's talking to me, telling me to sit on the stool, I don't think I can really stand, I'm leaning on the counter. I'm sick, so sick. Sitting down. I hear bits and pieces around me.
"Water? Do you want water?" I bat the hand away, weakly. "No, no water."
"I just came in and she was really pale."
"Should I call an ambulance?"
NOOO!
"No. I don't need an ambulance, I. Just." I pull the trash can towards me.
"Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
I shake my head. "Can't."
Right then a customer enters as I heave into the trash can. Lovely.

Turns out I overdosed on pain killers when I had that ear infection. I can't take ibuprofen or acetominephin anymore.

As a result? I was weak and in incredible pain for a good half hour. Finally worked up the courage to take a coated aspirin. Seems that those work fine. Thank God I have something. I wouldn't want to have to resort to my hydros. Those were for the ear infection, and they're really far too strong.

These are my works. Anyone can read them (well, more than half of them). Most of my posts are likewise. If you want to add me, I will be ultimately surprised, but extremely flattered and will probably add you back.
* Some of my better works.

( Poems )

( Fics )

( Dialogue )

( Prose/Short Story )

I am inspired. No wait, I am sad... haha, same thing. Why can't I get inspired when I'm happy???
I want to write happy things!

Dreams recede in the face of fate
and I wonder why I'm here.
If when I began I was too late
was it not too late for fear?

I softly cling to a soulless shadow
and proclaim the substance mine.
I cannot wake though the dream is done
nor turn to the next in line.

I sleep my days and wake my nights
and piece by piece they fade.
Time doth heal all wounds but one
the one your shadow made.

I know, I know, I sound like some ridiculously innocent child to ask such a question, but I still don't understand it. I don't see how someone can get so much satisfaction from being a bully.

We were on our way to a Thanksgiving dinner, to visit our dad and his fiance, when we get pulled over 'cause Jay's not wearing a seatbelt.

They end up searching the car. Jay is a very honest soul, and a smart one, for that matter. He straight up tells the cop, "there's a bowl, but no marijuana." The cop ends up taking the bowl, but doesn't list it among the charges. Go figure.

During all this, he searches my brothers, has me empty out my pockets, repeatedly asks if we've been drinking, threatens to "bust Jay's head in" if he doesn't keep his hands where the cops can see them, asks if he can take our board game, Cranium, (it didn't belong to us, and even if it did why would we want to give it to him???), and it's all I can do to keep from getting teary, 'cause what the fuck? He threatened my brother!

I'm still feeling the remnants of the day. My emotions are completely out of balance. I have never met such a jerk. It hurts so bad to experience a person like that. It's like poison.

I have all sorts of crazy dreams, these days. Most recently, I dreamt I was on a date (seems kind of common-place, now). I went with a man and his family to an old, haunted hotel (not so common-place), and we settled in for a bit. Bored, I decided to explore the place on my own and left everyone. It wasn't too long before I ran into a spirit.

The spirit was somewhat frightening, but my curiosity got the better of me and I watched from afar. It noticed me after a while and asked me, "Why are you all the way over there?"

"I'm scared," I answered honestly.

We began talking. Apparently the appearance of the spirit was related to the state of its soul. The spirit looked so downcast at this that I felt a desire to give it hope.

"But there is forgiveness!" I nearly shouted, in the same way I might have said, "Eureka!"
The spirit thought it over, "Forgiveness, forgiveness. Yes, there is forgiveness!" It was almost excited now. "But what would I have to do???"

I thought for a moment. "You would have to want to do good. You would have to try your very best to do good."

The spirit seemed to lose excitement for a moment. It became dark as it considered.
"Nah, it's too much trouble," it said, as it whizzed off.


....Yeah, that's not even the weirdest one.

Anyway, I got asked out again. This time a guy tried to hook me up with his friend who thinks I'm "really hot." I guess it's just a liquor store thing. Who wouldn't get asked out at a liquor store? I'm keeping count. This is #8 for November. It should do something for my self-esteem, but it doesn't. People think that being attractive means so much, but it means absolutely nothing if you're still single. For that matter, how many attractive people actually think they're attractive? I know that other people think I am, and I believe them, but I still don't see it. *shrug* C'est la vie.

As if I had never protested, you claim me
taking me into your arms,
promising me life itself,
as if I had always wanted it.

Promising everything but release;
the sweet freedom to exist
away from your eyes, from your consciousness
to exist on my own terms
and to die on yours.

This world you live in
it is not mine; I am not meant to be there.
You name me a welcome guest
but you haven't that power.
I am despised, and you cannot save me.

Alone midst a crowd of strangers
I see you watching, gauging.
You think it's not over
but it never began.
We never were. Cannot be.

I am lonelier with you than I ever was without.

and she said yes. ^_^ I'm happy for him.

I got asked out again today. This must be a November thing (this is number seven for the month). I don't know... I used to think it would be weird to go out with an older man, but part of me thinks that this could work...

So I'm going out with him on Friday. I don't know how old he is, but he's probably in his mid to late thirties. He has two beautiful children around middle school age, and he's been divorced for 12 years. He's handsome, hard-working, and dedicated to his children.

Judging from the way they were dressed they were church-goers, which could be awkward, but he didn't seem to be concerned with my religion or lack there-of.

I'm not sure why I'm letting myself get into dating right now. It'd be just one more reason to stick around, and I have no intention of sticking around.

So I'm moving in with Greg and Roslyn, which is so awesome. I still find all that they do for me amazing. I mean really, they're going to be tolerating me 24/7 now.

I have my own bedroom (which I really don't feel like I've experienced in forever!). They're letting me use their desk, extra television, old game systems.

Best of all??? They have heat! Plus, the food that I buy doesn't disappear, in fact they're the ones always offering me food. Oh, and the water doesn't go cold after five minutes...

Oh, I forgot to mention the oh-so-very real bed!

I just might be in heaven. ^_^

So I'm starting to get better and better at staying away from dairy, to the point that I'm not even craving chocolate. Interestingly enough, I recently read an article that named wheat and dairy to be natural appetite enhancers (no wonder I haven't been as hungry lately!). For that matter, no wonder Americans are so heavy. Wheat and dairy are in all our food, not to mention our love for sugar... I may have to start making sure I eat more...

I'm sick again. Same problem as when I ate those farmer's eggs extra runny. It's so recent since the last time, though, that I wonder if maybe this is something internal rather than external. I'm trying to figure out which I trust less: the health of my body, or Shoney's. It's a tough call, lol. It could be that I've developed a new allergy. I don't know if I could handle any more restrictions, but milk has been causing problems lately. -_-' And I absolutely cannot stay away from it. Not the least because it's in chocolate. What the hell? Isn't one allergy enough?

But I will stay grateful for what I have, for I've been given much in life.

I've tried several times to stay away from milk and have not been successful. Perhaps I will try yet again. Starting now. No more milk. What I will eat I have no clue. Soymilk and cereal, I guess. No more cheese, no more chocolate, no more cheese flavoring. I will be strong. Even when Dad brings home Kathy cookies, I will not eat them. And we will see if it makes a difference in my health.

At work today I found a list waiting for me. Number 4 on the list said, "Jay (co-worker) is giving you a ride home today. You are not walking. No arguments, no discussion. Period."

I called my boss, who is apparently concerned about a customer who has been coming to see me every Sunday. Other than the occasional inappropriate comment, he has not made a nuisance of his self, and he buys a lot of books.

But for some reason, she and Val and a concerned customer seem to think it is not a safe situation, and they've orchestrated it so that I will not be walking home for the next month. They wouldn't have even known about him had it not been for another customer who decided I needed to be protected.

I appreciate the concern, but it seems a bit over the top to me.
Besides that, nothing bugs me more than having people take care of me. I used to like it, but it's gotten to the point where having people take care of me is like being thrown into a rapid river, the water rushing over my head. It makes me feel as if I have no control, and that frustrates me, and at the same time, makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.

Because they feel that I need protection, I lose confidence in my ability to take care of myself. It makes me feel weak, especially when people are so commanding (in their defense, I tend to argue a good deal against assistance, so they kind of have to be pushy to get anywhere with me). I just don't like needing help.

...it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always feel as though I were inconveniencing everyone. Or if I felt that I deserved half of all the things people do for me.

Went to a bar the other night. Something about leaving one of my jobs had left me unsatisfied. Suddenly, I had a moment to myself and it was incredibly disheartening. I hadn't had such a moment in weeks; I guess I'd gotten used to being busy and around people.

I was incredibly lonely. Unsure of what to do, I took a long walk down to a place where being lonely was fashionable. But even at the bar I didn't fit in. The people there were surprisingly happy. Some football team somewhere must have won. Damn, cheery people are so annoying when you're down.

I doodled for a while, and I seemed to annoy the owner, who wanted to know why I was in his bar if I didn't want to drink. I gave him the coldest smile I could manage and politely told him that I was bored. He basically said, 'whatever, as long as you're gone by closing.' Pissed me off. I've bought drinks there other times, and if I wasn't welcome, I had better places to go.

I walked a while longer before going to bed. I was just so restless. Usually, I'm in bed by 9:30 or so, but there are days when there's something vaguely threatening about sleep. As if the promise of a new day is uncertain. Or worse, a little too certain.

So here's tomorrow's schedule:
7:00 a.m.: wake up, get ready for work
8:00 a.m.: walk to work
9:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.: work
5:00 p.m. - 6:30 p.m.: walk to next work
6:30 p.m. - ?: work
? - ?: go home, clean house, eat something, sleep.

I only work 50 hours a week, but tomorrow's a bit special, and all the walking adds up a bit. Plus, I may potentially be getting another 10 hours a week at another place. Lol, it would be a fourth job, but I'm not working a lot of hours at most of them.

A bit much maybe?

It's funny, half of the time, I don't even ask for these jobs, they just kind of happen. I'm glad, but I will definitely be tired and hungry tomorrow. Truth be told, I don't even know how I manage not to lose weight with all this walking and not eating, but my body seems to be handling it and I'm not going to complain until it does.

I still need to decide where I'm living when I move away from my family (or they move away from me). I'm so afraid that I'm going to be a burden.

With all these jobs, I can afford to spend $200/ month on an apartment and still save up enough for college next semester.

At least, I hope so.

So if I wanted to take a single class this semester, it would cost me $3300. *sigh*

However, my room is on the path toward clean, the kitchen is sparkling (despite all the boys did to destroy it), the bathroom is as it should be, and the large pile of laundry is significantly smaller.

Funny thing. It would appear that Dad has more clothes than I do.... Is it conceivable?

I feel like a house wife... but it's so satisfying to think that clean is something this house could possibly be, maybe even cozy.

I'm starting to get better at this whole life thing. I've got a job that pays well ($9/ hr) and has incredibly nice employees and lots of hours. Also, I'm cleaning non-stop and should complete the entire apartment within a week! What? You've never seen my apartment clean? Ha, neither have I. But it's about to happen. I already finished the kitchen (I'm thinking about getting curtains in there, *gasp*); I've done the bathroom, half the laundry, and I'm starting my room *double gasp*. My room will probably take most of the week, but then I'll be home free. I just have to make certain the bathroom and kitchen stay clean while I'm at it. I have Monday off, so that will be my revamp day.

I'm really worried that one of my friends is mad at me for my new job (he doesn't like alcohol)... he doesn't call me very often anymore. I feel very bad about it because he has been a very good friend to me and I value that a lot. I almost didn't take the job because of that... but I guess almost doesn't really count. I did take the job; I needed the job, and I think it might be the best job I ever had. I can't believe how much stress has gone from me since I took it. I just wish things weren't so complicated.

I can only hope I'm reading too much into it, but I think he might be disappointed in me.

If I don't get to bed now, I never will. Goodnight.

(Oh, and Dad and I agreed that I would pay $150/ month). If I can take a few extra shifts here and there, I can still save $1,000 per month. I really need to be able to pay for college next semester. We can't afford more loans, and I don't want to wait more than I've already waited. I'll do my best!

I have some very good friends in my life, and it's wonderful. Today, I am particularly thankful as I remember all the food I have been supplied with. Every week, at least six of my meals come from friends or family. The rest? Potatoes, eggs, soups, and candy (which I should probably stop buying). Oh, and Kathy food (food Dad's girlfriend sent back). It all started when my brother moved in. At first it was okay. He didn't contribute towards groceries much, but he ate out often enough that there was still food in the house. Then, when he lost his job, food became scarce. Dad stopped buying food just because Jay and I generally didn't consume much of it anyway. We didn't get a chance to...
So I would buy eggs and potatoes, because they were cheap enough that if John ate them all, at least it wasn't much money lost.

My brother is a reasonably good guy on his own. But he's a big guy, and he gets hungry a lot. I suppose I shouldn't complain, but he doesn't even act ashamed or at least grateful. It's just a given for him.
"Oh look, there are eggs in the fridge. Time to eat." Not, "I wonder who put this food here, and do I have a right to eat it?"
I don't know. It bugs me sometimes, but maybe I don't have things in the proper perspective. Maybe I'm not appreciating his current circumstances. Maybe things are harder for him than I know.

Anyway, such is life.

I have a job now, anyway, so I don't have to keep burdening my friends. I don't take food unless it is offered, but I'm still taking more than I'm giving, and I'd like to keep things at least a little balanced.

Work is good. The guy I work with is kind of cute. Too bad he's married and has two kids. :( damn. His wife seems nice, though, so at least he's not with someone who doesn't deserve him.

My bosses are the jeans and a collared t-shirt type. They are responsible and they expect their employees to be responsible, too. However, they pay accordingly, and they are laid-back in other ways.

I'm going to try and find other ways to be thrifty... if I stop eating candy and rely on cereal, eggs, potatoes, and soups, $32.50 should be enough each week, with enough left over to go out to eat once a week. Besides that, I may allow myself to withdraw $20/month for clothes. This way, I can save $1000/ month for school. Dad may want some rent money, of course, so that may knock it down to $900... and the cell phone and car insurance and utilities may knock it down to $800. And then loans would take a cut, too. I'll have to see how much Dad can help me out. I know one thing for certain. When I do student-teaching in the Spring, I'm going to have to keep a job.